I wonder if I should categorise this post under “Therapeutic Blogging” or perhaps “Confessions”? Perhaps it would be better off melting away in some quiet place not categorised at all! I do want to make the effort to write more about these things though.
I had an awful sleep last night. I was awoken at 3:30am in the morning to Lily whispering to Cam that she was scared. She does this from time to time. I’m not sure she’s scared so much as just wants to cuddle with Cam. She’s been sleeping in her own bed, which is also in our room, most nights but isn’t always fully sold on the idea. She loves to cuddle! Anyhow, Cam was whispering back to her loudly enough to wake me. I tried to sleep through it but it was getting louder and their actions noiser. Cam was getting up, walking across the room, opening the door, taking Lily to the bathroom, back again, into her bed, a curse forgetting something, getting up, shutting the door…. all this was so loud.
I was getting angrier and angrier. I was envisioning angry and hurtful things I would say if Leif woke up. I didn’t move because he was sleeping through it. All the while I realised the truth of the situation: my feelings were the result of unmet needs. When my sleep was disturbed I was angry because I was tired and wanted to get a good sleep, something that seems a difficult thing to have these days with a growing boy. I totally realise that it’s not Cam’s fault but my long built in reactions were trying to control the situation. My anger was making it more difficult for me to sleep. I got up and went downstairs to cool off.
I find it so frustrating to feel guided, pushed, urged to react in such a negative way and yet at the very same time realise what’s really going on for me and know how I’d rather handle the situation if head’s were cooler. What’s defeating is when the jackals win and I say something blaming or hurtful, not because I think it’s true but because I want to hurt.
Cam came downstairs after a time to see how I was and I pushed past him and said “if I didn’t know any better than I would think you were trying to keep me awake.” Of course I knew better and I’d call and apologise this morning. He had a lot less sleep than I since he had to leave for work early this morning. I feel like a schmuck. :(