I wonder if I should categorise this post under “Therapeutic Blogging” or perhaps “Confessions”? Perhaps it would be better off melting away in some quiet place not categorised at all! I do want to make the effort to write more about these things though.

I had an awful sleep last night. I was awoken at 3:30am in the morning to Lily whispering to Cam that she was scared. She does this from time to time. I’m not sure she’s scared so much as just wants to cuddle with Cam. She’s been sleeping in her own bed, which is also in our room, most nights but isn’t always fully sold on the idea. She loves to cuddle! Anyhow, Cam was whispering back to her loudly enough to wake me. I tried to sleep through it but it was getting louder and their actions noiser. Cam was getting up, walking across the room, opening the door, taking Lily to the bathroom, back again, into her bed, a curse forgetting something, getting up, shutting the door…. all this was so loud.

I was getting angrier and angrier. I was envisioning angry and hurtful things I would say if Leif woke up. I didn’t move because he was sleeping through it. All the while I realised the truth of the situation: my feelings were the result of unmet needs. When my sleep was disturbed I was angry because I was tired and wanted to get a good sleep, something that seems a difficult thing to have these days with a growing boy. I totally realise that it’s not Cam’s fault but my long built in reactions were trying to control the situation. My anger was making it more difficult for me to sleep. I got up and went downstairs to cool off. 

I find it so frustrating to feel guided, pushed, urged to react in such a negative way and yet at the very same time realise what’s really going on for me and know how I’d rather handle the situation if head’s were cooler. What’s defeating is when the jackals win and I say something blaming or hurtful, not because I think it’s true but because I want to hurt. 

Cam came downstairs after a time to see how I was and I pushed past him and said “if I didn’t know any better than I would think you were trying to keep me awake.” Of course I knew better and I’d call and apologise this morning. He had a lot less sleep than I since he had to leave for work early this morning. I feel like a schmuck. :(

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8 Responses to Tough Night

  1. andrea says:

    I really appreciate you sharing this anecdote… because I totally relate to it, of course. I also sometimes feel irrationally angry in the middle of the night, or when I wake up grumpy in the morning and find myself begrudging my husband his extra 30 seconds of sleep when I’m the first one out of bed with our daughter! I find it helps to talk – and laugh – about these moments later in the day, and to wonder together whether there’s an underlying problem or not.
    Thanks for being vulnerable and honest.

  2. Annie, I’m so glad you’re sharing things like this – helping us remember to watch our own behaviors and showing home much you’ve grown. The angry and irrational bit sounds EXACTLY how Christmas at home with the family tends to go. For me anyways.

  3. Annie says:

    I remember before I was pregnant with Lily I slept long and soundly. I’d get *at least* eight hours straight. It’s hard for me to even imagine sleeping straight through the night. Even after Lily wasn’t nursing through the night I still woke occasionally for whatever reason. I hate feeling crabby because I’m tired! That’s not to say I always do but being tired can definitely make feeling my best harder.

    Andrea- I can’t help but chuckle about the resentment you felt when you were the first one up with your dd. I’ve been there before and it’s true that it’s never more than a few minutes extra that dh gets!

    L- I’m glad I’m not the only one, although I wish others didn’t struggle with this too! Family can be the best test in patience, no?

  4. Hi Annie.
    Reading your authentic post warmed my heart :-)
    Allowing others to see our vulnerability is so healing… for everyone… thanx for the reminder… and the sharing of your true self.
    Much appreciated,

  5. Annie says:

    Hi Wendy! Warm thanks for your comments!

  6. peggy says:

    I can relate too. I’m a mess when I’m tired and my husband gets the brunt of it in those moments which are fortunately not that common anymore (well, except for last night). So yes, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Thank you for sharing – its so important to write about our lives honestly.

  7. Annie says:

    It’s such a relief to not be the only one who struggles with this! Muah Peggy. Thanks!

  8. my friend has a saying that in the middle of the night you feel like sometimes you feel like you don’t have enough patience, understanding, etc but that at 8am love seems to get that needed boost :)

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