You make me feel hurt.

You make me feel happy.

You make me feel sad.

You make me feel like a bad parent.

You make me feel inadequate. 

You make me feel like I can’t do it.

Wow. It’s so disempowering to believe that anyone can make you feel a certain way! 

Fortunately, the reality is that no one makes us feel any way. In order to realise this though, one has to take responsibility for their own feelings. People can stimulate our feelings but they aren’t not the cause of them.

When people blame others for making them feel certain ways they are often guided by their own unmet needs. Rather than blame others it would be so much more proactive to look into yourself and figure out what needs you might have that are needing to be met. Perhaps it’s acceptance, support, respect, self respect, understanding, compassion….. ? 

I actually wrote out quite a bit more here but decided to leave this post at this point. I highly recommend anyone interested in looking into these ideas further to get the book Non Violent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg from your library or visit the website here

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  

~Eleanor Roosevelt

I wrote a bit more on my thoughts on guilt and defensive reactions here.

3 Responses to You make me feel…

  1. Krista says:

    I have found this to be one of the most life-changing realizations I’ve ever made – that my feelings aren’t anyone else’s responsibility, but are a result of my met or unmet needs.

    Other people may behave in ways that I do not like (or ways that I like) but this merely serves as a stimulus that points the way to that which I value.

    If I value timeliness and reliability and you are 30 minutes late when we are supposed to meet, I am possibly going to feel irritated or annoyed. However, I also value your well-being and safety, so if I find out when you arrive that you were 30 minutes late because you had been rear-ended on the way and needed to sort out the mess, I wouldn’t be irritated at all, but probably feel concerned and relieved that you are ok! Either way, you were 30 minutes late. Same stimulus, but my feelings were triggered by different needs/values being met or not met. My feelings are all about ME!!

    Another topic I love to discuss over tea… thanks for bringing it up here.

  2. Annie says:

    Great example, Krista. Thanks for that! This post wasn’t as complete as I would have liked but it seemed to go on and on without any solid end.

  3. Krista says:

    Aye, I can concur with that. Often it’s the reason I don’t post about something. Where does one begin, where does one end?!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *