It’s no surprise to some that I loath the baby industry and it’s constant peddling of useless products! It’s out of control the crap being marketed out there.
Here, let’s take a peak at some of the most asinine products on the market today…
The Pee Pee Tee Pee. If this isn’t the most redonkulous baby product out there I don’t know what is. I have a son and I can’t even imagine what use this would be.
Baby Knee Pads. Babies are born without kneecaps for a reason.
Mesh feeder. Because it’s better to let your baby suck on food through vinyl mesh instead of just giving them the food? If they can’t eat the food on it’s own, maybe they aren’t ready to eat? Vinyl toys are being questioned for their safety and yet parents want their children to chew and suck on it?
Bumbo Baby Seat. Another product to help you not touch your child. They may not be ready to sit on their own but who cares?! It could only be worst if you stick them in the Bumbo Seat in front of Baby Einstein videos. I suppose it’s better than buying silly puddy in bulk to stick your baby upright in (on?) all over your house.
Itzbeen Timer. Scheduling at it’s best because you don’t even have to remember when you last fed, changed, gave medication to or even held you baby. This little dodad will tell you when you need to care for your baby so you don’t have to pay attention to your baby’s unique cues.
Thudguard Baby Helmet. I know what you’re thinking- “but it comes with little ears….”
Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer. Yup, It’s actually suppose to analyze your baby’s cry. Don’t try to actually get to know your own child, rely on this device to tell you what’s wrong with them. It’s 87% successful. I wonder what you do the other 13% of the time if you’re so disconnected from your child that you’d use one of these things.
Baby Keeper. Doesn’t the picture say it all? Make hanging your child by their crotch from the back of a door possible. Get one of these and you won’t have to worry about your child getting into dangerous things and just generally being in your way anymore. Heck, hang them in a closet for their nap! Who needs a crib with one of these?
Miracle Blanket. Aka straitjacket for babies. To be truly creeped out by this product you should see the video on the product’s webpage. The way the baby is restrained is as if it weren’t a baby at all and rather a piece of meat being wrapped up at the deli. I believe it’s wrong to swaddle babies who obviously don’t want to be (ie. struggle to get loose) and carrying a child snuggled in a sling on their parent’s bodies to be a much healthier way to offer comfort.
Poteez. Disposable potty. I guess the makers of this product don’t realise it’s against the law to throw poop in the trash. If you’re going to go through the trouble of carrying one or even a few of these one use items you aren’t even allowed to dispose of, than why wouldn’t you just carry a regular potty or a designated waste holding reusable tupperware with you instead?
Sweet Peace Newborn Soothing Centre. This mom replacement rocks the baby, plays sounds like their mother’s heart beat or womb, vibrates, has a removable blanket the mom can put her scent on… all in the name of tricking a child into thinking the mother is actually taking care of them. Why doesn’t mom just soothe her baby?
Baby Bath. Really this could be about any baby bath, it just happens that I found a picture of a really silly one. Babies do not need to bathe enough that an actually baby bathtub is necessary. If babies need to go in the bath at all, they are much better off on the warm bodies of their parents in the regular bath.
Play Yard. Is this for real? All you need is some newspaper thrown down and it looks like this cage is ready for a new litter of puppies.
Disposable Baby Wipes. Sure, add a wipe warmer to the stupid baby products list if you want but if I had to have one of these stinky, alcohol soaked, frigid wipes wiping my bottom, I’d prefer it to be warm. What happened to good, old fashioned cloths to wipe bums? Why the need for alcohol and the completely unnatural stink added to even “scentless” wipes? Not to mention all the cost and waste that comes along with these hideous things.
Baby Toupee. Uh, wut?
Hooter Hider. This is one of my favourite completely useless baby products. The idea is to have a more discreet nursing session with your child and yet nothing says LOOK AT ME more than a huge cape of lavender floral fabric flung across your front. I bet it makes people wonder even more what the heck is going on under there, including the mother. How can she see what she’s doing or if her child is being smothered or overheated in the process? What is she hiding anyway? Breasts are readily exposed on a daily basis in the media and on the street! Breasts are supposed to be hidden when they are finally being used properly?
Lillebaby. No, this woman is not on her way to the ski hill with her snowboard. There is actually a baby in there. Could carrying a baby be more awkward and uncomfortable? Okay, maybe it could be with one of those heavy plastic bucket seats on your arm but this is still ridiculous. Apparently this thing is the height of fashion and can be used until the child is three. Um, okay.
Car Seat Carrier. Yay! Buy it today and see your chiropractor tomorrow!
Crib. Many babies go from being in the most intimate and comforting of places, a mother’s womb and then being put alone in a box with bars down the hall. “But they need to learn independence!” “But they need to learn how to sleep!” Riiiiiiight. They actually need to learn that they are loved and cared for and that their parents are going to meet their needs for being close and comforted. Babies need care throughout the night. Having them be further away is not only harder on the parent but less ideal for the growing child.
Disposable Diapers. Maybe an obvious add to this list and I’m not sure why I didn’t in the first place. Disposable Diapers are the biggest offenders to the landfill of all time. In case anyone didn’t know, they take somewhere between 500-800 years to decompose. One child can produce around 3,200 used diapers in only one year and thanks to parents keeping their children in diapers longer (even as long as seven years old!) it’s a disgusting number heading to the landfill per child. Disgusting enough that I don’t even want to calculate the final numbers. Disposable diapers stink. They smell before they’re soiled in and even worst afterwards. The gel that so remarkably wicks away moisture can cause toxic shock syndrome in our babies. Ever notice the little gel crystals on their genitals? (!) The carcinogenic chemicals used, the diaper rashes, the cost, blah blah blah… All the obvious serious detriments to using disposable diapers aside, the alternatives are not even difficult alternatives. So many think cloth diapering is “so much work” but it is so not. Add using elimination communication to that and it’s even easier, shorter time spent in any diapers at all and better physically, mentally and emotionally for the child.
I’m sure there are many more asinine baby products out there but these were just off the top of my head. If you know of any to add to the list, feel free to let me know!